Are you afraid of a spider? I am afraid of hanging myself...

someone told me long ago ( "there´s a calm before the storm, I knoow, Have you ever seen the rain? coming down a sunny day!?" A Creedence clearwater revival- line from the song "Have you ever seen the rain?" came to mind when I wrote the first line in this post) "You are only as old as you feel" ...thats a bunch of crap by the way... But age is a funny thing when you think about it...Almost everyone want to be young(er) than what they actually are but to the extent of that case is physically impossible we settle for feeling younger. Beauty-products and cosmetics have never been so popular and the business for it is climbing higher and reaching new sale- records for each day that goes by...



BUT I am looking forward being old (not as a breathing vegetable but a healthy old man is going to be fucking sweeeeet! I see myself in the future and a layer of harmony is painted over my face and I feel good! Not only do I look forward for my years to come, also I feel much older than I actually am! I have to remind myself that I am not even 2 years passed dos decenios... I started to think about it and my mind branched out for the reason why I feel so much older... Maybe its because almost my entire youth; older people have been surrounding me, much older siblings, a lot of friends are older than myself...

Can it be that I got a lot of responsible at an early age? Only me and my mother, after my brother got older and moved out so I was in some extent "the man of the house" and I think that has shaped me into the person I am today!
"Hey, lets check out this place, its awesome and great bartenders!" getting there... "Can I see some ID? My 30 some years old friend: "Oh crap, thats right you are only 21!"




This is not a crying message saying I didnt had a good childhood, cause I did, it was awesome!
Due to some reasons I matured mentally rather fast and my verbal skills improved quickly!
So my favorite things in school? Oral exams and presentation!


I remember my first oral exam like it was yesterday...didnt study at all until the evening before the presentation! I picked my subject and learned my material by heart and stood up infront of the class saying:
"I may not be a great thinker or a world leader, I dont read a lot...or or run very fast but damn it: I can TALK!" I didnt get a single laugh which was horrible but then I started my presentation:
"Today I am going to talk about spiders! Spiders: bla bla bla bla"...I may be a talker but my memory cant save me out of shit!

I will take this moment to say this isnt at all what I was going to write about, god DAMN IT!
my mind wanders completely outside of the abstract lines that is my chain of thought, that is not a good style to have....





We are supposed to be a rather intelligent specie, we humans but we have some rather weird fixations and irrational thoughts and ideas! the proof of that is all the fears and phobias we have for different things that cant harm us in any way, but instead of thinking rational thoughts like: "Uuuuh, this is strange behavior I am pulling right now, this is nonsense; that little thing cant hurt me!" buut noooo, instead we climb up on the invention we created for sitting on and yell: "A MOUSE KIIIILL IT!!" : Very irrational and unnecessary reactions I must say!


Our biggest fears today has been listed and its quite estonishing on how we have answered!
Number one fear: "Talking infront of a big crowd!" THAT is number one fear for humans? HIGHLY retarded! Fear is supposed to be controlled by life- threatening situations! For instance everybody should be very frightened if we are faced with a crocodile or a shark right beneath our feet while swimming! Even being afraid of swimming is more rational than being afraid of standing up infront of a couple of meat- popsicles just like yourself, cause then we are in a habitat we cant function fully to our potential in! Thats understandable: " Hey Fred, wanna go for a swim? -No I dont want to be in that big ocean cause I am a land- walking creature and I dont belong in that! -Cant you swim? -Yes, I can swim but that doesnt matter cause every fucking thing in there is doing it better than I do it AND they LIVE IN THERE you knucklehead!!



So whats second place then? Of course: Death! NUMBER TWO? that is fucking crazy retarded!
We are afraid of dying, why!?? Because we love being alive! We like our lives and we love breathing and we laugh our way through it...And we dont want to exchange that for lying 6 feet under dirt and soil....but of course, we obviously dont like breathing as much as we like shutting the hell up in pure lonely isolation according to our fears and phobias!



So according to our biggest fears "On a funeral; we are rather lying in the casket than doing the eulogy!!" / Jerry Seinfeld Homofuckingsapiens, god damn it...

The second Self, that guy is a douché!

I have heard uniqueness is rather important. Thats funny, cause really, how unique are we? not very would be my response. Yes of course we do have (for the most time) our right to speak up and even have our own opinion!.....Well.....to some extent...
Then there are of course the anatomical rational reasons for the debate on how unique we are. We have DNA which controls our physical features but that is pretty much it!

We are not very unique and special as we would like to believe and I dont quite get where that statement is from, probably more suitable question would be: "I dont quite get from When that statement is from..." cause its probably an old saying we havent burried yet with all the other nonsense we tell each other everyday!

BEING and TALKING about the importance of being "your own person and your decisions are not anyone´s business..." is a whole different story! We are very good when it comes to talking about whats important for each and every homo sapiens on this water- covered planet, but doing it? "Well, no no no off course not, hrrrrmmmm dont we have any ginnypigs or something? Jim, can you check the dumpsters down at the shelter for one of those homeless that are living there? see if we can try it on them first!" - "Try what Bob?"- "Uuh Change Jim, just Change."

Cause how good a change could be for us, its still a "change" and we do not like change dont we?
We hate it! "wait, what? are they moving? why!? this is such a friendly neighbourhood, why would they just leave? has something happened? did their daughter got raped and brutally murdered? Is that why they left? Honey!!!,,, the...uuh the...hmm the Whats their face- family are moving!!" - "You mean the Nelssons? yeah they have lived there longer than we lived here Dan, and you didnt know their name, what do you care?" - "I DONT LIKE CHANGE!!!"

Love exaggerating things but whatever...

In fact we are not even close to being unique! Everyone of us, has at least two personalities, and I can prove it! You have your nr.1 "inside personality". this is the person you are for the most part, the one debating if you will make coffee or take a shower first in the morning, deciding what clothes you will wear for the day, this is just "You". The one (and only) personality you think you have. It contains your likes and dislikes and this person is the one who defines who you are!

But as soon as you take one step outside of your door, BOOM, this person, DEPENDING who you will meet, has VANISHED! if you only meet people that has known you forever and long before you defined your future self, close friends or family you are still you.... BUT,, meeting anyone else you are all of a sudden a complete different,,,, Moron! I mean dont you just love all the routine pointless shit-chating that goes on in every convenient- store, clothing store and just cashiers in general! These conversations are very addable to situations with people you "kind of" are familiar with too...You kind of know this guy sitting next to you on the bus, so thats why you will participate in the most awkward dialogue the world has ever seen since Shakespeare tried to do a porno! And during this "conversation" you are trying to figure out this guy´s name (not last name, his FULL NAME) and /or you are imagining that this is the final scene of the movie "Speed" and you are waiting to jump off!

But these god damn routine- chats...I cant take it anymore..its sooooo pointless. You dont know the person in front of you, you dont Want to know this person, the only reason you know this person´s name is cause she is wearing a fucking nametag and thats it! Thats the bottom of personal relationship! This person has one job to do, for now she is working for you,, to get my god damn Red Lucky Strike, taking my cash and open the register and then its GoodfuckingBye!

Sometimes I like to mess with people who is working as cashiers and test how much routines this person has in its job- descriptions!
I will represent the H and the cashier will represent the C. for obvious reasons...

C: Hello, what can I get you?
H: Uh hey, yeah can I get a pack of lucky strike?
C: red?
H: yes. (of course red, who the fuck wants blue ones these days? You are smoking so you can die faster, why do I then want a lighter version? stupid.)
C: will you pay with Cash or creditcard?
H: (guess what the fuck I am holding in my hand!?!?) uuh card.
C: That will be 45 SEK, type in your code.
H: (oooh you need the code, this is actually my fifteen THOUSAND time Im doing this) yes of course.
C: On the amount?
H: Uuh no actually can you take it on 40 SEK?
C: yes of course.....wait a minute....
H: Yes, I just made a joke. (and my mouth just uttered a phrase you´ve never heard before in your LIFE, its hard to communicate. Pull up your pants!